I want to be raw, vulnerable, and a disciple of Jesus.  I want to be a light to the world.

Give up everything. Follow me.

God spoke to me today.  He said, simply, "Give up everything.  Follow me."

Last night was one of the lowest nights of my life, full of pain and grief.  I kept using alcohol to numb. Embarrassing myself.  

When I was lying down and very anxious, whenever my mind would wander to something dark and painful, I would replace that thought with, "God loves me," or sometimes even just "God."

Also, God didn't tell me, "focus on details, like being gay, or why there's suffering in the world."  He just said, "Give up everything.  Follow me."  He also didn't say not to worry about those questions, but I think the point is just to follow Him and hopefully things will work themselves out, or else be less relevant than if I were to focus on these hard questions and make them the center of my thoughts (which is destructive).

So, here is my strategy:

1. When my mind wanders to something painful or something that gives me anxiety, consciously replace that thought with "God loves me" or even just "God."  By saying just His name I can focus on Him and think of Him and hopefully in this way I can be seeking Him.--When I think of something painful, like starving children or others dying, think to myself, "God loves me."  This idea of following Him is so beautiful. I'm not going to worry about anything.  When something stresses me out, I'm just going to follow Jesus.  He has a path for me!  When I feel tired, I'm going to think, "follow God."  Always going to redirect my negative thoughts to Him.  I've never understood how to "seek God," but I think I just figured it out!  (maybe it's different for each person)

2. "Give up everything." In some ways this feels like God was speaking to me about my career/life... it almost came from the idea of a mission trip which came up last night.  In another way, I think I can take this to give up everything worldly totally because my joy only comes from God.  It seems extreme, but I'm an extremes person so maybe this is how Gods wants to show this to me.  I think I won't buy a pass to snowbird and I won't spend money on anything--I'm thinking clothes and maybe even food.  I wish I could give up all technology and things too.  I don't want my joy to lie in people ever again.  I want it to lie only in God.  I'm also giving up drinking.  I don't want to numb anymore.

This idea of "Give up everything. Follow me." is pretty terrifying because I have no idea where I'm following too! He gave me no other instructions than following Him.  Terrifying!  I hope I can do it!
Also, I guess this means I need to explore God more so I know how to follow Him.  I do hope though that He shows me how to follow Him even if I'm not an expert on God.

This also came because I think I realized my choices were: end my life or seek God.  I want to seek God.

I wonder what God meant by "Give up everything."... I've never had to really trust God fully-- I've always relied on my own intellect and people skills, etc.... hm...

I'm thinking... why do I keep trying so hard to figure out who I am and understand my identity?  I am God's son, and I don't really need any identity except the identity of a person who follows God.

I love encouraging and loving on others.

Cognition and Behavior are very closely related... act good and do what God wants to stay close with him.

Seeing Palemon today was also really awesome.  I thought to myself, here's this guy who doesn't have a degree, no family, works 6-7 days a week, and here I am complaining about my life of opportunities.